FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
