What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
