i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
