Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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