If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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