There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
