My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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