Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
