he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
