I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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