So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Fuck me I smell like cheese
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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