Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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