He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
