My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
