I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
