I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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