you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
