you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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