i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
