Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
