I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
