I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
