I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
