I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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