Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
