the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
