took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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