Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
