Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
