woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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