you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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