I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
