She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
