I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
