Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
