ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
