I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
