I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
