I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
im six kinds of drunk right now
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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