Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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