Don't make out with my wife yet
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I didn't notice because vodka
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
