i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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