She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
