I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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