Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
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Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero