Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.