why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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