"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
