I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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