Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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