I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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