TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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