Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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