Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
