I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
