I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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