I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
