I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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