apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
