she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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