WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
